A few months ago, I worked with a client, let’s name her Alice, who was stumped as to why she couldn’t lose weight. She had tried a lot, was eating already very healthy, and still didn’t lose her weight. In addition to that, she couldn’t understand her latest meal choices. After a particularly happy evening with a new date, she stayed in the next day, and ordered Mexican food. She never ordered Mexican food… so why this time?
During our session, Alice told me that she always has had Mexican Food with her mother. Her father didn’t care about tacos and burritos, so ordering in Mexican Food was reserved for special mother-daughter time.
Her mother had lost her mother when she was quite young. Alice’s mother had been very, very close to her mom, and has been missing her ever since. When she became a mother with Alice, she started to gain weight. Alice loves her mother dearly, but also feels that her own weight meets her mom’s disapproval, and that they are not as close as she would actually like to. Her weight seems in the way.
During a constellation we find out, that her weight indeed is in the way to allow for a deeper, loving relationship. The excess body weight functions as a buffer. But why? Why does Alice put up her weight to not connect with her mother when she actually desires a stronger bond.
The fact that she has seen her mom suffer and grief forever over her mother’s early passing, made Alice decide that it was safer to not love that deeply, and to guard her heart, to protect herself from this much potential pain. Since her mom had chosen weight to protect her children from connecting with her too deeply, Alice used the same technique.
During the constellation, she acknowledged her choice of using weight to protect herself from heartache, and recognized that her mother had stayed open to love deeply even though her heart was grieving her mother. Her mother was in a happy and loving relationship to Alice’s father. She saw that she really wanted this deep love to her mother as well as a future partner, even though it could be painful to lose them again one day. She realized that loving deeply was worth everything even if it meant that she might feel the pain of losing the loved one eventually.
What does the Mexican Food have to do with that?
Alice had ordered the Mexican food after a night with a wonderful man, who she had really liked and even hoped to continue dating. Eating Mexican food, food that would bloat her and offered more calories than needed, ensured two things:
- She would have a buffer, a weight buffer, to protect herself from feeling the pain of losing him potentially. The food and weight helped her to not fall in love too soon or too deeply.
- Mexican food connected her to her mother, and the bond she has with her through this food. It reminded her subconsciously of her mother’s grief and to stay loyal to her own promise to guard her heart.
When we see our parents suffer, we often chose to a) help them out by carrying some of the burden for them, and b) try to prevent to go through what they went through.
Alice felt much lighter and happier after the constellation. She had proclaimed to herself and the world, that she now was ready to love deeply no matter what.
Trying to protect us from possible harm and pain makes sense until we realize that the protection keeps us from living what we deeply desire. In Alice’s case it was a loving relationship to her mother as well as to a partner. She overcame her fear of suffering like her mother, in order to find love. Weight is no longer needed to protect her. <3